Jokes and Funnies

A Horse's View of the World

* Arena: Place where humans can take the fun out of forward motion.

* Bit: Means by which a rider's every motion is transmitted to the sensitive tissues of the mouth.

* Bucking: counter-irritant

* Crossties: Gymnastic apparatus.

* Dressage: Process by which some riders can eventually be taught to respect the bit.

* Fence: Barrier that protects good grazing.

* Grain: Sole virtue of domestication.

* Hitching Rail: Means by which to test one's strength.

* Horse Trailer: Mobile cave bear den.

* Hotwalker: The lesser of two evils.

* Jump: An opportunity for self-expression.

* Latch: Type of puzzle.

* Lunging: Procedure for keeping a prospective rider at bay.

* Owner: Human assigned responsibility for one's feeding.

* Rider: Owner overstepping its bounds.

* Farrier: Disposable surrogate owner; useful for acting out aggression without compromising food supply.

* Trainer: Owner with mob connections.

* Veterinarian: Flightless albino bloodsucking vulture.

The Sheath Cleaning Song

(sing to the tune of "Hello Mother, Hello Father" from the camp song)

How's it hangin'? So much cleaner.

Aren't you glad I washed your weiner?

I'll admit it's kinda creepy that I had to stick my arm up in your pee-pee.

It was sticky.

It was gunky.

It felt icky.

It smelled funky.

It was cruddy,

it was crusty -- when you stuck it out,

it creaked like it was rusty.

After half an hour of toilin'

and of squirtin baby oil in,

you're as fresh there as a daisy.

either this means I love you or else I'm crazy!!!

Reality Horse Television

These are reality shows I'd like to see on television...

"Fear Factor" Rider contestants are made to ride cross-country on rogue runaways in only a snaffle.

"Stable Extreme Makeover" A poor down and out trainer is given a new state of the art stable and training facility

.

"Trading Horses" Dressage queens trade their expensive warmbloods with an average joe's grade horse. Both are made to exchange saddles, and stables, and then write letters to each other.

"Trainer 911" A horseowner who is a horrible rider is teamed up with a British trainer for advice and new training techniques. Watch for the incredible transformation! Watch the teary eyed rider, and try not to laugh.

"Hell's Tackroom" A famous, nasty and perfectionist trainer from hell , takes on a team of naive riders who want to become A circuit trainers. He makes them clip, b raid. and prepare wild mustangs for in hand classes at Devon. With the trainer's reputation on the line, he eliminates the grooms one by one. The winner wins his own stable. Caution: He has a manure mouth. Not for the squeamish.

"Desperate Horsewomen" Oh...watch the manipulating, conniving ways of the women who show and train in Welly World, (Wellington Florida.) They will lie and cheat to win any ribbon, and steal clients before your horses' eyes...The epitome of equine soap operas.

Government Wisdom

The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to generation, says that, "When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount and get a different horse."

However, in government, education and corporate America, more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:

• Buying a stronger whip.
• Changing riders.
• Appointing a committee to study the horse.
• Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride dead horses.
• Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.
• Reclassifying the dead horse as living impaired.
• Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
• Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.
• Providing additional funding and/or training to increase dead horses performance.
• Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse's performance.
• Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overhead and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.
• Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.


• And of course.... Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.

Living with O.C.E.A.N. Syndrome

By Scooter Grubb

Just recently, after years of research, I have finally been able to give a name to what my wife and I have been living with for years.

It's an affliction, for sure, which when undiagnosed and misunderstood can devastate and literally tear a family apart. Very little is known about O.C.E.A.N. Syndrome. But it is my hope this article will generate interest from researchers involved in the equine and psychological sciences. You will, no doubt, begin to identify similar symptoms in your own family and hopefully now be able to cope.

Obsessive Compulsive Equine Attachment Neurosis Syndrome (O.C.E.A.N.S) is usually found in the female and can manifest itself anytime from birth to the golden years. Symptoms may appear any time and may even go dormant in the late teens, but the syndrome frequently re-emerges in later years.

Symptoms vary widely in both number and degree of severity. Allow me to share some examples which are most prominent in our home.

The afflicted individual:

1. Can smell moldy hay at ten paces, but can't tell whether milk has gone bad until it turns chunky.

2. Finds the occasional "Buck and Toot" session hugely entertaining, but severely chastises her husband for similar antics.

3. Will spend hours cleaning and conditioning her tack, but wants to eat on paper plates so there are no dishes.

4. Considers equine gaseous excretions a fragrance.

5. Enjoys mucking out four stalls twice a day, but insists on having a housekeeper mop the kitchen floor once a week.

6. Will spend an hour combing and trimming an equine mane, but wears a baseball cap so she doesn't waste time brushing her own hair.

7. Will dig through manure piles daily looking for worms, but does not fish.

8. Will not hesitate to administer a rectal exam up to her shoulder, but finds cleaning out the Thanksgiving turkey cavity for dressing quite repulsive.

9. By memory can mix eight different supplements in the correct proportions, but can't make macaroni and cheese that isn't soupy.

10. Twice a week will spend an hour scrubbing algae from the water tanks, but has a problem cleaning lasagna out of the casserole dish.

11. Will pick a horse's nose, and call it cleaning, but becomes verbally violent when her husband picks his.

12. Can sit through a four-hour session of a ground work clinic, but unable to make it through a half-hour episode of Cops.

The spouse of an afflicted victim:

1. Must come to terms with the fact there is no cure, and only slightly effective treatments. The syndrome may be genetic or caused by the inhaling of manure particles which, I propose, have an adverse effect on female hormones.

2. Must adjust the family budget to include equine items - hay, veterinarian services, farrier services, riding boots and clothes, supplements, tack, equine masseuse and acupuncturist - as well as the (mandatory) equine spiritual guide, etc. Once you have identified a monthly figure, never look at it again. Doing so will cause tightness in your chest, nausea and occasional diarrhea.

3. Must realize that your spouse has no control over this affliction. More often than not, she will deny a problem even exists as denial is common.

4. Must form a support group. You need to know you're not alone - and there's no shame in admitting your wife has a problem. My support group, for instance, involves men who truly enjoy Harley Davidsons, four-day weekends and lots of scotch. Most times, she is unaware that I am even gone, until the precise moment she needs help getting a 50-pound bag of grain out of the truck.

Now you can better see how O.C.E.A.N.S. affects countless households in this country and abroad. It knows no racial, ethnic or religious boundaries. It is a syndrome that will be difficult to treat because those most affected are in denial and therefore, not interested in a cure.

So, I am taking it upon myself to be constantly diligent in my research in order to pass along information to make it easier for caretakers to cope on a day to day basis.

Save Money On Gas - The Equine Alternative!

Save money on gas! Alright folks, step right up! You don't want to pay $4.69 for gas, no problem, I have the perfect vehicle for you. Needs no gas, no oil, or even a battery, just a little grass and water will do these animals fine. Now everyone has different needs, so choose from the following models:

1. Trail Horse- Your average run around town animal. Has the energy to get where you are going, the brain to find the best way to go, big enough to carry the normal sized American.

2. The Arabian- perfect for those who travel long distances in a day and try to multi task while driving. Although the Arabian may not go to your home or office with out specific instruction, it WILL go somewhere.

3. The Draft- Calling all soccer moms. This big guy can carry the whole team, their gear and snacks. Just like the big machines, this guy will require more fuel, and his shoes will be more expensive than the compact model.

4. The Western Pleasure- The right car for the high end white collar workers. This animal works harder and requires more special knowledge so only the best can figure this out. Be sure to take your cell phone. You wont be stuck in traffic, you just wont be getting anywhere fast.

5. The Parrelli- Salesmen, stay at home moms, and high school kids will all enjoy this dream. You can load him down with flapping wal-mart bags, ask him to walk in places a horse wont fit, and you can dance with him as you listen to the latest tunes.

6. The Ranch- The most dependable animal available. He will go where ever you ask him to, at what ever speed is appropriate. You can tie him to the stop sign and he will be there when you get back. Best of all, this model has been specially engineered to be able to go without water for days and stay fat and slick by eating sagebrush and dead prairie grass.

Of course all models are available in base colors (sorrel, bay, black) Special order colors are available (dun, grey, palomino) and for an additional fee, custom paint jobs are also available (overo, tobiono, blanket, leopard). No horse is sold with a waranty, however maintainence plans are available in the event brakes, steering, or accelerator fail.